Fighting Back

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Thank you, every one of you who left me a comment sharing my joy of new hair with me! I know it seems like a trivial, vanity thing, but it’s really sort of a sign for me that I am finally taking care of my body. So it means a lot to me to share this with you!

You know, anorexia is a horrible, treacherous disease. It sneaks up on you and wraps its arm around your shoulder like a friend at first, but then before you know it, it has opened up its jaws to swallow you up whole. The thing is, it would be so nice if that was the end of it. Instead, anorexia is like a crocodile. It doesn’t just rip you apart, it holds on to you with its deathly grip, stifling you, drowning you, starving you and leaving you to die a slow, painful death, then waiting until your body rots to a soft pulp before finally eating you up.

This is the worst thing about anorexia. You’re dying, but in a slow, dragged out process. You waste away, both mentally and physically, entrapped between the clutches of this inescapable illness, while you watch it rob every single thing away from you: your beauty, your social life, your hobbies, your personality, your integrity, your emotions, your happiness. Meanwhile, your family and friends can do nothing but gape at you in despair and quiet desperation.

Even now, as I am trying to recover from anorexia, I still have to fight off many of the old anorexic thoughts, fears, anxieties, and habits, which are seriously, in the eyes of a normal person, utterly stupid and ridiculous and unreasonable, but which are so physically painful and real to me. Some people say it never goes away, that even if you somehow manage to escape from its jaws, you still bear the scars for the rest of your life.

But I disagree. I believe complete healing is possible, for nothing is impossible for the Lord in whom I put my faith and trust. But I do know it is not to be overcome in one day, but a daily progress. Day by day, step by step, amidst both failures and victories, I know anorexia can be conquered. The worst thing to do is to disbelieve, to doubt and to despair and give up. Each day has enough troubles on its own, and I aim to live and enjoy each day to the best it can possibly be even in the process of this exhausting recovery.

And one of the ways to enjoy each day is…to eat good food, of course! Haha, sorry for dumping all that deadpan, weighty issues on you, but I just wanted to get this little itch off my chest. So far I’ve only been referring to my ED vaguely, but I think I should share a bit deeper occasionally as this blog is another tool for me to recover anorexia after all. So…ready for today’s delicious eats?

Today’s lunch should really be described with silence. Because I seriously thought I had died and gone to heaven, it was that good. The cause of today’s mouthgasm? Monte Cristo sandwich. Here’s how I prepared it:

I made a sandwich out of two slices of whole wheat bread, four slices of smoked ham, two slices of cheddar cheese, and a few slices of tomatoes. Then the part that makes it a Monte Cristo: I whipped together 1 whole egg, 1 egg white, 1/4 cup almond milk, drop of vanilla extract, cinnamon, dash of salt. Then I dunked the whole sandwich into this wet mixture and left it there to sit until it soaked up all the liquid. Then I heat up a skillet, sprayed it with PAM, and cooked up the sandwich until brown on both sides and smelling like heaven. With a drizzle of maple syrup:

Oh…my…freaking…God this was sososososososososososo good! Seriously, my eyes were popping and the syrup was dripping all over my shirt, but how could I be bothered when I shared the same fantastic smell as this amazing sandwich?

I loved how the bread soaked up the sweet syrup! I really love the play of the sweet and the savory…This had all the sweetness and comfort of french toast and pancakes, and also the substantiality and saltiness of a good ham and cheese sandwich.

Here’s the cross-section, for your drooling pleasure:

I was very sad when I reached the last yummy bite…

I also had a plate of celery, carrot, and cucumbers on the side to cleanse my mouth, with some homemade ketchup:

And for afternoon snack, another pair matched in heaven:

Mr. peanut pancake and Ms. cheese pancake got married, had their wedding in my mouth, and are now (a-hem) celebrating their matrimony in my stomach.

Oh, and I baked today! My Penang friend is leaving Thursday, so I baked pumpkin crumble bars for her: